Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum
by elfchicks
Summary: Another crazy round robin. KOH: Gone Rum 5 coming up.
1. Default Chapter

**Kingdom of Heaven- Gone Rum **

_By Anarion, Altariel, & C.J._

One day, Balian was walking through the peaceful countryside, past numerous thatched cottages and farms, when a man in a turban leapt out from somewhere along the dusty path and startled him.

"I am Saladin!" he cackled in his thick Muslim accent. "Surprise! Now I'm going to kill you."

"Not if I kill you first!" responded Balian. He charged after Saladin with a pitchfork. Saladin began performing karate kicks in the air, pitching to the ground the second after he jumped.

"Tisk tisk!" commented Balian. "You are rather clumsy, you know."

Sibylla was cowering under the table inside a nearby hut.

"Hide, the PB&J Trojans are coming!"

"PB&J Trojans?" asked Balian incredulously. "I don't believe a word of it!"

"Well," said Saladin, "You better start believing, cuz here they come! Quick, hide!" Saladin snatched the pitchfork from Balian and bounded towards a cottage. Then, he turned and posed. Balian stood beside him. They masqueraded themselves as the "American Gothic" painting. Then, the PB&J Trojans arrived.

"I'm hungry," complained Sibylla. She looked around for something to eat. Then, she saw the PB&J Trojans coming. She hurried towards them, licking her lips, and picked one up.

"AHHH!" they all shrieked. "Help me! Heellpp meee!" Soon, Saladin got a pitchfork in the eye. He yanked it out and said:

"That'll wake you up in the morning, boy!" Then, he tried to pick up a heavy gate, but it fell on top of him, crushing him beyond repair. After this, Balian slid underneath the wagon and began to work.

"Hammer!" he commanded. His father, Godfrey, grabbed the hammer and handed it to Balian.

"Nail!" he said. He snatched this as well and began to pound, but he missed it completely and smashed his own hand flat.

"Yowch!" he yelled.

"Nyeah!" laughed Saladin, having just peeled himself up from the ground, "You missed, loser!" Balian began to pout. He reached for Godfrey's sword and threw it at Saladin. It hit him in the chest, turning Saladin into a fruit salad.

"Awww…" whined Balian. "Please mom, not again. I hate fruit salad." So he ran away and tried to go see _The Return of the King,_ but he got lost and nearly starved to death on the way to the theatre.

"I am going to Fred Meyers to kill Pippin and get some new clothes," he decided. So he did. Then one day, Godfrey said:

"Balian, I want you to come fight with me in the Crusades."

"Fight _with_ you?" asked Balian, confused.

"Yes," said his father.

"Ok," conceded Balian. So he began to fight with his father and accidentally chopped his own head off.

"Oh well," said Godfrey. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

**Finis**


	2. Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum II

**Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum II**

_Anarion Tari Culnama_

"I cannot think of anything to write," admitted Balian.

"That is no problem," said Sibylla, approaching Balian's writing desk, "You can write about…ME."

"You? Very well," said Balian. He began to write:

"_Sibylla is incredibly irritating at times. Once, I told her that she was the only woman I had ever seen eat. Then, she began shoving her face like a swine! I was sickened! And she also enjoys flaunting big, unsightly, jewelry! There is one jewel in particular that I loathe. It rests in the middle of her forehead…and it's absolutely revolting! She certainly has very bad taste in apparel! Another thing I cannot abide is that eye-liner! It is so unattractive, and it drives me mad! Sometimes, I want to rush over there and poke her eyes out! But I restrain myself. She also paints creepy dots on herself! Bizarre, huh? And lastly, her thinly veiled evil motives are growing unwished for, as is her 'I know more than everyone and their dog!' mentality. Phew. Glad I got that out. Sometimes it-" _

"Can I see what you wrote?" asked Sibylla.

"Uh…how about not," replied Balian.

**Finis**


	3. Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum III

**Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum III **

_Altariel Culnama_

_(Edited by Anarion Tari Culnama)_

Outside the seemingly impenetrable walls of Jerusalem, Saladin and Balian fought one on one for the right to own the Holy Land. The battle went on for hours, and both were growing weary, but neither one would yield.

"Balian," whispered the monk in Balian's ear, "you should give up. You can have a rematch later."

"I don't think I will need to," replied Balian with a grin.

"And why is that?"

"Because," said Balian, moving his knight piece in an 'L' shape to the right, "checkmate!"

"NO!" shrieked Saladin, as he swung his long curved scimitar out and stabbed the chess-board. "You cheated!"

"No, I did not," countered Balian, leaping out of his chair. He was so angry at Saladin for calling him a cheater that steam began pouring out of his ears and his face turned bright red.

"Did to!"

"Did not!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

Balian took a deep breath and said:

"You know what? You are a poor loser, so I will give you a gift." He reached behind his chair and pulled out a large beautifully wrapped present and handed it to Saladin.

"For me? Ah, you shouldn't have!" said Saladin.

"And here is one for you, Mr. Monk," said Balian, handing the monk a present too. "I have to leave now, if you'll please excuse me." He turned and sprinted back inside Jerusalem in great haste. He was yelling:

"Run away! Run away! Run for your lives!"

Saladin and Mr. Monk ripped the lids off of their presents and each pulled out a large black ball.

"A bowling ball! I lov…" **KABOOM! **"...bowl…cough/wheeze...ing!" said Saladin. They were both covered in black soot and their hair was standing straight up and smoking.

"Holy!" coughed Mr. Monk.

"Smoke!" finished Saladin. "We've been tricked!"

"HELLOOOO!" Balian said in a high-pitched voice, as he stepped through the doors to the king's room.

"What are you doing?" questioned the king. Balian did not reply. He simply walked up to the king and smacked him across the face.

"Ahh! How dare you smack the face of the king?" The king smacked Balian in the face. The two then began a girly cat-fight, slapping each other on the hands, while whimpering like sissies. But then, Balian punched the king in the nose.

"Oh, why I ought to…" growled the king, picking himself up off of the ground and grabbing a large chair. He smashed it over Balian's head, knocking the knight to the floor. Balian quickly crawled over to the king and bit his leg savagely.

"Oowww!" shrieked the king.

"Ewwwwy!" whined Balian, who was now cleaning his mouth out with soap, "that was nasty!" The king reached down and snatched Balian's pants, then pulled them up over his head, giving him a super-duper-mega-wedgie! Balian screamed and did a swirly-karate-spin-kick in the air, throwing the king into the wall. At that moment, the phone rang. Balian gracefully waltzed over and picked up the phone.

"Hello? This is Balian speaking. How may I help you? Ah-ha…Oh! Really? No way! Ah-ha?" Balian handed the king the phone.

"It's for you," he chuckled.

"Oh, thank-you," said the king, peeling himself off the wall and grabbing the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi mommy! Yes, mother! Yes, I have new underpants! I love you too! Good-bye!" The king hung up the phone.

"Oh, Balian, I almost forgot!" he said. "Do you want to marry my sister, Sibylla?"

"Sibylla? SHRIEK!" Balian turned and raced straight through the door, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"All right, all right! I was just asking! You needn't knock my door down!"

A few weeks later, Guy, Renald, and a few of their other grotesque companions were canoeing through a desert near the city, when they found themselves rowing past a strange Indian tribe. They stopped rowing and got out of their canoes.

"Be careful!" warned Renald. "These are WILD Indians! They could have rabies! In fact, it might be better if I do ALL the speaking." One of the Indians was walking towards them. He had buckskin trousers with long tassels along the sides, black and white war paint on his face, and a large hat-like thing covered in long, black feathers on his head. Renald stepped forward.

"Heelloo!" he said slowly. "We come in peace!" The Indian said nothing, just stepped forward and slapped Renald in the face.

"I think you insulted him," suggested Guy. "Here, let me try! My name is Gu-" **SMACK!**

"I think you insulted hi-" **SMACK!** Renald grew so angry that flowers began growing out of his ears and nose.

"Oh, the heck with this!" he growled as he whacked the Indian across the face. The Indian responded by slapping back, but instead of Renald he hit Guy. They all began smacking each other until another Indian came over to talk to them.

"Hello, my name is Tisquantum, and I am the chief of this here tribe!" he said.

"Well, if you are the chief, then who is he?" asked Guy.

"Oh, him," said Tisquantum. "He is Balian. He has not been right in the head since the king asked him to marry his sister!"

"Goblobloblobloblo!" said Balian, folding his arms in like wings and gobbling like a turkey. He walked away, pecking at the ground and bobbing his head back and forth like a chicken.

**Finis**


	4. Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum IV

**Kingdom of Heaven: Gone Rum IV**

One day, Sibylla was in her room, gazing at herself in the mirror. She was telling herself how beautiful she was, and that she deserved Balian's hand in marriage. She tried to figure out a way to dump Guy, her loutish husband.

"Maybe if I play mean tricks on him, he'll get angry and leave on his own," she said quietly to herself.

That night, she sneaked into Guy's room, a large bowl of warm water in hand. Unfortunately, she neglected to remember what she was doing and drank it. She was making a great deal of noise in slurping it down, when she realized that it was not water, but a potent beverage.

Sibylla coughed primly and not-so-primly dumped the contents of the bowl on Guy.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Guy spluttered, thrashing manically. "I'm drowning!" When he fully awoke, he decided that Balian had done it, so he made all speed to Ibelin to call him a few bad names that I had best not include herein.

Meanwhile, Sibylla discovered a bed full of beautiful, assorted flowers. She commenced rolling in them.

"What are you doing?" inquired Balian, eyeing her curiously.

"I like flowers!" replied Sibylla jovially, tossing some lilies into the air.

"Ow!" shrieked Saladin, racing away, chased by a swarm of angry bees. "AHHHHH!"

A few days later, Saladin returned with Guy, whom he had hypnotized, and lobbed him into a pit.

"Hey! Let me out of here!" yelled Guy.

Saladin, Balian, and Sibylla meandered away, laughing.

**Finis**


End file.
